


Love Is Not Easy

by NeverlandHunter



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Drama, F/M, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, I hate thinking of tags, Love, Old Wounds, Past Relationship(s), Their Love Is So
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-25 20:49:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverlandHunter/pseuds/NeverlandHunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn’t measurable, or rational, or controversially, always good, but it is an inherent part of human nature. It starts fights as often as greed or ignorance does. It changes people in profound ways, and can hurts them in ways flesh wounds never could. If you believe being truly, deeply in love with someone means you will have your Happily Ever After you are mistaken. Pain and sorrow are as interwoven with love as happiness and comfort are. Sometimes love does not conquer all. Sometimes it is not enough to make you forget the bad things. Sometimes it causes its own pain. Yet somehow, despite the odds, it endures.</p><p>The Hero of Ferelden reflects over her past love, Hawke over her present love, and the Inquisitor over her future love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So for some reason I got this idea in my head and I decided to write it and share! This is all set during Inquisition. Right now the Warden is off looking for a cure.

She was alone in the ruins of what once must have been a proud watchtower. They had discovered it earlier today, mostly hidden by years of the forest’s growth. It was completely unmarked save for one weathered gryphon sigil on the east wall of the tower. 

_The Wardens had been here, but why?_

They were far to the west, leagues beyond the last remnants of civilization. Following the Grey Warden’s trail as it grew sparser with each passing discovery. They were searching for a cure to the Blight, a cure for the last sacrifice of a Grey Warden. Dying did not bother her nearly as much as it should, but the idea of dying alone in a hole after everything she’s given up was too much. No, she would try to live a long, happy life, it’s what he would have wanted.

That one thought brought memories more than a decade old rushing back. Rich laughter, a rose, strong arms embracing her and then blood and fire, and a sacrifice she intended to make.

It hurt to remember, but it was an old pain and it had been dulled by time and all the other regrets she had. The first months afterwards were the hardest. Some days had felt surreal, she couldn’t completely comprehend that it was over and that he was gone. She kept fighting so she could forget, but she’d see his face in the reflection of a blade, or hear his voice in those twilight moments of waking up and falling asleep.

When she was alone, and there was a quiet moment to think she would weep, for him, and for the life she had made during that year. She had been happy, the world was on fire and people were dying, but she had found happiness. She was young and naïve and she thought that she could keep that happiness, but change everything else.

_Alistair, I still wish sometimes that you hadn’t died for me. Life is so hard, and every year, and every choice, just makes it harder._

Loss and battle had worn her down, gave her lines on her face and a sadness in her eyes she was still too young for. She sat down in front of the gryphon, and looked at the sigil that represented an order that took so much from her. It took her first home and her first love, her youth and so many of her friends, it took away her optimism and her quick smile, and it took away her faith in people and the way she used to trust so easily. Now the woman that was left was barely recognizable as the girl of so many years ago.

_Would you still love me if you could see me now?_

She stood up and left the ruins. The sun was setting and she had to make plans with the others at camp. She couldn’t spend too much time dwelling on the past, on all her mistakes, and all her regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this world-state had Alistair sacrifice himself -.- something I did not know would happen, and neither did the Warden!
> 
> I wasn't specific with my Warden because I wanted you guys to be able to put your Warden in her place if you so desired, but if you're curious her name is Semira Amell and she has dark brown hair and amber eyes! ^.^ Writing this chapter made me sad, but I'm excited to see what you guys think!
> 
> And if you're wondering about the others those would be her Grey Warden companions that survived Awakening! Again, it was left vague for you to insert your own people there!  
> (Shale is definitely one her companions though!)


	2. Chapter 2

Hawke packed and Anders watched. She picked up a miscellaneous piece of clothing, inspected it and then cast it aside before letting out a long sigh.

“I’m not used to packing for long trips.”

Anders said nothing. He had made no objections when she had told him she was leaving and he made none now. Perhaps a small part of Hawke hoped he would object to her leaving, not that it would make a difference, she knew what she had to do. Anders would have no right to tell her not to go, he had put his own sense of duty before her once too.  
He knew this and so he sat, shoulders slumped, and drained of energy as he had been since Kirkwall. He hadn’t fully recovered, neither of them had, Hawke was just better at hiding it.

“Hmm, I should pack more rope, shouldn’t I? There’s no such thing as too much rope… but it does take up room… and I’m sure the Inquisition has plenty to spare. Okay, never mind. I’m good with rope, but what else am I missing. Salt? No, I already packed salt. Why’d I pack this book? I’ve already read it.”

Hawke spoke to fill the heavy silence between them, she did that often. As if she thought the words would be enough to fix what was broken. Hawke had always been the one to look forward. The past will only weigh you down, but you can’t ignore the past. You can’t forget what’s happened.

She stopped her packing to look at Anders, at the man he had become. His hair was free from the ponytail he used to wear and instead it hung loose, almost past his chin, framing his face. It made the shadows under his eyes look darker, and the gaunt look he had more pronounced. He looked up at her and they held one another’s gaze for a millennium, or just a second, before they both looked away. 

She didn’t want to see what lie in those eyes. She chose not to acknowledge the twisted thing he had become. So here they were, as they had been for the better part of the last year, avoiding one another’s gaze, avoiding any topic that wasn’t a shallow attempt at filling the silence. 

She held on to him because she had lost too many of the people she had loved already, and she would not lose him too. But what she held on to was a memory, the person that sat before her was a changed man.

He held on to her because she was his only life line. The only possible spark of hope he had in the layers of self-loathing and regret. Regret for what though? For what he did or for what he gave up? He wasn’t sure, he wasn’t sure of anything anymore, except that he still loved Hawke and that he did not deserve any of the mercy that she gave him.

She was done packing. There was no reason to stay any longer. 

“Well, it looks like I’m ready to head out. I guess this is goodbye… just take care of yourself Anders. Avoid attracting attention and don’t stay in one place too long. You know how to get into contact with Varric if you need me.”

“Goodbye Hawke. Please stay safe. I love you.” He tried to convey a lot in those last three words. His feelings for her, his guilt for not being the person she deserves, and his anxiety about her leaving.

She smiled sadly at him before turning around and walking away. She couldn’t say it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, Hawke. I put her through so much. Hawke can't forgive Anders for what he did at Kirkwall. She can't forget everyone he hurt-- including herself, but she tries.
> 
> Thanks for reading and kudo-ing, and feel free to comment!


	3. Chapter 3

They called her the Inquisitor now, although she was doing much the same as she was before. There was just a fortress now… and a lot more paperwork. Everyone had settled into their own place at Skyhold. She could almost always find Leliana in the Rookery, Josephine at her desk, and Cullen in his own office. Cullen was rarely found on the yard training recruits now. No, paperwork had assaulted him too. 

She secretly regretted this change in venue. There was much less opportunity to walk by him during the day, and to stop and talk because she was being friendly. 

_Stupid immature unprofessional crush. What, do you like him because he was a Templar and you have some girlish attraction to something forbidden and dangerous?_

_No, I like him because he’s kind and honest and hardworking and—uh. I have more important things to do than fantasize about the Commander!_

The Inquisitor continued along the battlements. Her conflicting emotions making her feel frustrated and slightly irritated. She stopped suddenly when she realized she had walked to the Commander’s door. As she was about to turn around, instead of brave across his office, the door opened. 

“Inquisitor, I was just heading out. Is there something you needed?” 

“Cullen, uh, I was just stopping by to see how you were doing.” 

_Uhhh, I’m an idiot._

Cullen looked surprised by her answer. It didn’t occur to him that she would ask about him personally.

“Really? I mean, I’m doing well. I’ve finally got a handle over the desk work and decided to get some air,” Cullen replied. He suddenly felt self-conscious about his appearance. He had spent the better part of the day hunched over his desk and the lyrium withdrawal had left him exhausted and clammy.

“Oh, well that’s good. I’m glad you’re situated and all… I’ll just being going then. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“It’s not a bother! You aren’t a bother… anytime you want to talk I’m here.” 

There was an uncomfortable silence as the Inquisitor and Cullen stared at one another, both embarrassed about their own awkwardness. 

“Thanks… um, I’ll be going then.”

Another awkward pause before the Inquisitor abruptly turned away from Cullen so he wouldn’t see the color that was rising on her cheeks.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She wouldn't know that Cullen had his face in his hand and was mumbling the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was it! I just wanted to write a short fic about these three lovely women and their loves!  
> I hope you enjoyed it. Leave a comment and tell me what you think :)  
> Thank you for reading and commenting and kudo-ing!


End file.
